


The Art Of Loving

by moonbreeze



Category: GOT7
Genre: AU, Angst, Angst to Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, I promise, M/M, but first...some mutual pining, everything has a slight undertone of angst but it ends happily, post breakup/reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 12:03:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8327140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbreeze/pseuds/moonbreeze
Summary: “You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first” Bullshit.I have never loved myself.But youOh god, I loved you so muchI forgot what hating myself felt like."





	1. it's always been you

**Author's Note:**

> mentions of alcohol, smoking, parents, and parental abuse (emotional and physical), indirectly implied nsfw things.

Jaebum slept on the right side of the bed, his eyes tightly shut, back facing the empty left side of the king sized bed. He’d been sleeping like that for months, and every night he had slept horribly, missing someone beside him. He pressed his eyes tighter shut, as if he could block out the thoughts of him entering his mind, but the truth was, he was always there. No matter what he did, or where he went, something reminded him of the browned eyed boy. When he was at work, he was reminded of him because he used to call him every day at 11:30am, and when he was walking on the streets, he was reminded of their walks through the city, with their hands intertwined and smiles on their faces, and the park reminded him of when he and the other boy had carved their initials into the cherry tree in the corner of the park, and promised each other they would come back and change the initials when they got married one day, and home, well he hadn’t felt at home since he left him. Because he had been his home, his arms was were Jaebum had felt the most at home in his life, but now he was gone and Jaebum didn’t believe he would ever feel at home again like he did with him.

* * *

 Jaebum was woken up by loud knocking Saturday morning. He rolled out of his bed and realised he had fallen asleep with his clothes on, too lazy to bother changing he went to the door and opened, meeting a very upset looking Jackson.

“Hey Jacks-”

“Save it.” Jackson said pushing past him walking in to Jaebum’s two room apartment.

“Okay?” Jaebum sounded slightly confused, still dazed from having just woken up.

“You haven’t been responding to my calls,” Jackson said sitting down on Jaebum’s couch, “so i thought i would check on you. I worry about you, you know. We all do.” Jaebum shut the door and walked to the armchair across from the couch, sitting down in front of Jackson.

“Sorry.” He said not sure how to respond, he felt bad that he was worrying his friends, but he found some comfort in the fact that they at least hadn’t forgotten about him.

“Mhm,” Jackson placed his head in his hands “so how are you? Have you at least been going to work? Had any kind of human interaction?”

Jaebum nodded, “i’ve been going to work yeah, not been doing much else.”

Jackson sighed, he didn’t want to say things wrong and accidentally push Jaebum away, so he had to chose his words carefully, “shouldn't you, you know, be moving on. Going on dates, or at least going out and just, not lock yourself in here” The words were kind of harsh but Jackson’s voice was full of worry for his friend. Jaebum looked out of the window, biting his lip. “Jaebum… Jinyoung left, what? 3 months ago? Don’t you think it’s time, to you know, move on? Meet new people?”

“That wouldn’t be fair for them.” Jaebum said, still not looking at Jackson.

“You still love him? After all this you still love him?” Jackson asked, voice full of concern. Jaebum closed his eyes, feeling tears pressing behind them.

“I still have the ring you know.” Jaebum whispered, moving his hand to his chest feeling the ring hanging in its chain under his shirt. Jackson ran a hand over his face sighing. He wanted to help Jaebum, but he wasn’t sure how. He didn’t know if what Jaebum needed was time, or a push in the back.

“Jaebum… i want to help you, i do, but–” he looked out the window as if he could find the answer out there, “i don’t know how.”

Jaebum chuckled, eyes still closed, “yeah, i’m kind of a mess. But maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be like.”

“Love?”

“Yeah, love.”

* * *

 It had been 2 weeks since Jackson visited Jaebum’s apartment, and he hadn’t exactly gotten better. Not worse, just, a bit messier. He had only taken 2 showers in those 2 weeks, he’d gone to work but he was just staring at the screen, and he’d maybe eaten a bit too little. Jackson called him every second day to check up on him, and Jaebum appreciated it. It was nice to know that even though he was neglecting himself, at least someone else cared.

* * *

 “Me and Youngjae are going out tomorrow, you wanna join us?” Jackson’s voice filled Jaebum’s head as he stood in the middle of the kitchen, staring out of the window into the park outside. ‘Out’... he hadn’t been out in months, it did sound tempting, he liked Jackson and Youngjae and the idea of drinking sounded appealing for multiple reasons. But still…going out, was quite a step from staying home every night and watching tv. “So? You wanna come?” Jackson pressed.

“Yeah, okay, let’s do it.” Jaebum said, he had to get out sometime, and tomorrow was as good as ever. Jackson told him where they were going and a time and Jaebum agreed. This would be good he told himself, this was good.

* * *

 Jackson and Youngjae stood outside the bar with Jaebum waiting for him to finish his cigarette.

“When did you start smoking?” Youngjae asked, looking at Jaebum with a look filled with both judging and worry in his eyes.

“A while ago,” Jaebum replied, taking note of the look in the younger boy's eyes, he threw the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with his boot, “but don’t worry about it, i’ll stop soon.” Youngjae glanced at Jackson and he gave him a look that told him to just leave it. Moments later they entered the bar, Jaebum looked around for a table they could sit at, hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket. Suddenly he froze, and everything around him seemed to freeze too. Because there, from the table in the corner, a pair of warm brown eyes found his after months and months of missing them. It was Jinyoung.

In a matter of seconds a thousand thoughts had run through Jaebum’s mind, his heart beating so hard he was sure everyone in the bar could hear it. But they couldn’t, they had no idea what was happening right in front of them.

“Jaebum…” Jackson muttered having spotted Jinyoung too, “do you want to leave?” Jaebum couldn’t hear him though, his his mind was just Jinyoung, everything and everyone else seemed to have been blocked out. He was thrown out of it quickly though, as Jinyoung got up and started walking towards him. Jaebum wanted to run, he wanted to turn around, walk out the door, and run, but something kept him in place. Now Jinyoung was standing right in front of him, and all Jaebum wanted to do was grab him, and kiss, him but he didn’t, he couldn’t.

“Hey.” Jinyoung didn’t know what else to say, what else could he say.

“Hey,” Jaebum said, he closed his eyes trying to block out the overpowering want to kiss Jinyoung, “can we… maybe talk? Outside?”

“Yeah.”

Jaebum turned and walked out shaking his head, as if trying to shake of his nervousness. Jinyoung followed quietly, feeling Jackson and Youngjae’s stares boring into him. Soon the two boys were sitting on a bench, away from the bar, and the road.

“You wanted to… to talk.”

“Yeah i just… there’s just something i, i wanted to know.” Jaebum said. He hadn’t been able to look at Jinyoung since they left the bar. But god, he wanted to, he wanted to see him, feel him but he couldn’t. “Why did you… why did you say no when–” he had to pause, afraid his voice would break. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Why did you say no when i asked you to marry me? I thought, i thought we were ready but… was it because you didn’t love me anymore? Or have you never really loved me was all this just a game to you? Am i not enough?”

Jinyoung shook his head, trying desperately not to cry, or let his nervousness show. “God Jaebum no. I loved you, i swear i did. In fact i still… i still love you, but–”

Jaebum turned around now facing Jinyoung, looking into his eyes. “Then why did you say no?” He hated it, hated how bad he wanted to just, hold Jinyoung again, kiss him again. “If it was too early i… i would have waited for you Jinyoung, i’ll always wait for you.”

Jinyoung shut his eyes, a single tear falling, and Jaebum wanted to hold him and kiss all of his tears away.

“Because… because i was afraid Jaebum. I was scared and i, i still am. My parents they, when they got married…” Jaebum took Jinyoung’s hand in his and held it, and Jinyoung’s instincts yelled at him to pull away, but he had missed Jaebum’s touch a bit too much, missed how well their hands fit together.

“It’s okay, Jinyoung, i’m here. You’re fine.” the second Jinyoung had started talking Jaebum had sensed something was up. He had always been able to sense when Jinyoung was feeling bad, and a couple months apart hadn’t changed that.

Jinyoung opened his eyes and looked at Jaebum’s hand enveloping his own. “When my parents got married they… they suddenly started fighting, a lot. And before marriage they were doing fine they were good but… and my dad he, he started drinking and–” Jinyoung looked away feeling more tears running down his cheeks. Jaebum squeezed his hand. “My dad started hitting my mom, not a lot but, and he was just a shit dad and i, i was scared we would end up like them.”

Jaebum furrowed his eyebrows, “why did you never tell me this? If i knew i would… i would have been better, i wouldn’t have asked you, i would have waited. I would have waited for you.”

“I’m sorry i ju–”

“No, Jinyoung you have nothing to be sorry about, okay? look at me,” he put a hand on Jinyoung’s chin turning his head to face him. His eyes were red and filled with tears and it broke Jaebum’s heart, and knocked the air out of his lungs making it hard to speak. “Jinyoung we are not your parents. I would never, i would never hurt you, Jinyoung. I would rather die than hurt you.”

Jinyoung avoided Jaebum’s gaze, and focused on something behind him, “I know, i know you wouldn’t hurt me but i jus–”

“It’s okay, i get it. You have every right to feel that way Jinyoung. And i wish you would have told me this earlier, but i don’t blame you, okay? I respect your choice to not tell me.” he moved his hand so he was cupping Jinyoung's cheek instead, and Jinyoung closed his eyes and leant into his hand. “I still love you Jinyoung, so please just, just give me a chance, give me a chance to love you again, because i know you love me too.”

“Jaebum… i do, i still love you but… you deserve someone better, someone whole.” he opened his eyes and looked into Jaebum’s, and it hurt because he could tell how much he loved him from just his gaze.

“don’t you dare say you’re not enough okay, you are more than enough. Just… let me show you, let me show you how much you’re worth, Jinyoung please, just give me a chance.”

Jinyoung felt torn, he wanted to be with Jaebum he really did, but he also wanted the best for him. And he wasn’t sure that was him.

“Jaebum…” Jinyoung searched his eyes, looking for any type of regret or uncertainty, but he found only love and desperation.

“Jinyoung i want you. I want all of you, not just the good things and the happy things, the bad things too. I want your heart, Jinyoung, even if it’s in pieces.”

“Kiss me.” Jinyoung whispered.

“What?”

“Kiss me, and if it still feels the same… if it does i’ll, i’ll stay with you. I promise.” Jaebum leant in slowly his thumb caressing Jinyoung’s cheek. He leant in so close that their foreheads were touching and his lips hovering just above the other boy’s. He looked from Jinyoung’s lips to his eyes, and was met with a look he couldn’t decode, their were too many emotions hidden behind the brown eyes. Their lips were almost brushing, so close, to what he had wanted for so long. Then, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Jinyoung’s, and it felt like coming home. Their lips fit together perfectly. Jinyoung's hand instinctively moved to Jaebum's neck pulling him closer and Jaebum's other hand moved to the other boy’s waist. He could feel Jinyoung's tears fall on his hand were it was placed on his cheek and he wiped them away quickly. Jinyoung pulled away just enough to speak, their lips brushing against each other as he spoke.

“I’ll stay.”


	2. it's always gonna be you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implied nsfw, mentions of parental abuse (physical and emotional)

When Jaebum and Jinyoung went to sleep that night, Jaebum had suggested he slept on the couch, not wanting to break any of Jinyoung’s boundaries. Jinyoung had agreed, thinking that was what Jaebum wanted, but said he would take the couch because that seemed more fair. Not wanting to start a silly fight with Jinyoung, Jaebum agreed. But he couldn’t sleep, he laid awake staring at the ceiling for hours. It was weird, having Jinyoung so close to him, knowing he could touch him if he just took a few steps, but also having a kind of invisible wall between them. The other boy couldn’t sleep either. He laid on his side, stealing glances on Jaebum every few minutes. He could tell he wasn’t sleeping, by the way his chest was rising and falling, and the sound of his breathing. He hated the feeling of not having Jaebum next to him when he fell asleep, he had realised this in the months they had been apart. So he got up silently and sat on the opposite side of the bed as Jaebum. Jaebum turned his head and looked at Jinyoung, he looked so beautiful in the moonlight.

“Can i… sleep here? With you?” Jinyoung whispered, his voice slightly shaky.

“Yeah, yeah of course, Jinyoung.” Jinyoung couldn’t help but notice the relief in Jaebum’s voice. He laid down beside him, his back facing Jaebum. They laid next to each other in silence for awhile, the only sounds the sound of their breathing, and the rain falling outside.

Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut, and whispered with a kind of broken voice and a hint of desperation, “can you just… hold me, Jaebum? Please?” Jaebum turned silently, and wrapped an arm around Jinyoung’s waist pulling him into his chest. Jinyoung’s smaller form melted into Jaebum’s bigger one. And for the first time in months, Jaebum felt at home again, he felt the familiar feeling of Jinyoung’s back against his chest, the feeling of his breathing. And that was all Jaebum really needed. Just Jinyoung.

“I missed you so much,” Jaebum muttered as he intertwined his fingers with Jinyoung’s, “i missed having you here. The apartment doesn’t feel right without you here. Nothing feels right when you’re not here, Jinyoung. Everything i did seemed to remind me of you, and i think… i think maybe it’s because so much of what i do, i do for you. I’ve never been good at taking care of myself, you know that. I forget to eat because of work, or i don’t sleep enough or i don’t drink water, but you were always there to remind me of that. So even the small things like those… they reminded me of you. I couldn’t eat without hearing your voice, so i stopped eating, because it was just too much. It was like i was slowly going crazy without you. And i realise that sounds like i’m trying to guilt trip you or something but… i’m not. I just want you to know that i need you, Jinyoung. I want you to know you’re needed, wanted. I want you to know that… even though i’m endlessly thankful for what you do for me, i hope… i hope you’ve never felt like you had to take care of me. ‘Cause you don’t.” he shook his head, “i’m sorry, i’m rambling, i’ll–” Jinyoung broke him off by turning in his arms, and taking Jaebum’s chin in his hand, covering his mouth with his thumb. He looked at Jaebum for a few moments, his eyes were watery, and his brows were furrowed.

He knew Jaebum well, he knew about his habit of neglecting himself. But yet, he had never asked Jinyoung to take care of him, or do things for him. He had never asked Jinyoung to send him reminders to eat and drink, he had never asked anything of Jinyoung except for his love, because that was all he needed. But Jinyoung did so anyways, and in return, Jaebum had given Jinyoung his heart and soul. But he never thought of it as enough. Jaebum didn’t think he could ever repay Jinyoung for everything he did for him, and now that he knew about his past… he felt horrible, and he was scared that Jinyoung felt he needed to take care of him, like it was his duty. But Jinyoung never thought of taking of Jaebum as a duty, he did it because he loved him, and because he was, unknowingly to Jaebum, repaying him for what he also unknowingly done for him. Growing up as he did, Jinyoung had been left with wounds, and most of them Jaebum had mended, even if it was without knowing, his actions helped Jinyoung, he made him feel safe, and at home, for the first time in a very long while.

Jinyoung moved his thumb, then shifted his head, and pressed his lips against Jaebum’s, mumbling the words against his lips, “I missed you too Jaebum.”

* * *

When Jaebum woke up he felt something he hadn’t felt in months, he felt whole, at home. And all because when he woke up, he could feel Jinyoung’s steady breathing against his ribs. He could feel his hair against his cheek, his legs tangled with his, and his fingers intertwined with his own. He felt well rested, and at peace. His heart no longer heavy and and empty. Jinyoung’s breathing changed rhythms, and Jaebum smiled, he was awake. Jinyoung lifted their intertwined hands to his face, staring at their interlocked fingers. Their hands fit so well together, like two pieces of a puzzle.

He pressed his lips against the back of Jaebum’s hand, and mumbled the words against his skin, “morning.”

“Morning,” Jaebum pressed a few soft kiss against Jinyoung’s nape “how did you sleep?”

“Good,” Jinyoung squeezed his hand “now that i’m here, with you. I haven’t slept this good in months.”

“Yeah,” Jaebum squeezed back, “me neither.” 

* * *

 

The next few days were kind of a blur. A blur of Jinyoung and Jaebum, a blur of emotions, a blur of talking, and laughing together again. It was them, slowly rediscovering each other. Slowly reconnecting, at the parts they had disconnected. It was Jinyoung and Jaebum staying in, and lying between the sheets, it was Jaebum remembering Jinyoung, and Jinyoung remembering him. It was them, and just them. The months had caused a rift between them, but they hadn’t forgotten each other. Jaebum still remembered the sound of Jinyoung’s breathing, he still remembered the sound of his footsteps when he came up the stairs or walked down the hall, he remembered Jinyoung’s skin, how it tasted, how it felt. And Jinyoung remembered Jaebum, how he avoided questions about his health, the taste of his poor cooking, how his voice changed when he was talking about something important to him, and how Jaebum’s lips felt against his skin.   
They remembered each other, but this was rediscovering the things they had pushed away during those months, and it was discovering new things, things they hadn’t said before. Not because they were lying to each other, but because some things Jinyoung had thought better hidden than told, but now Jaebum knew. It was them mending, healing, and learning how to love again.

* * *

 

The soft snow that was falling outside, seemed to drown out the sound of cars moving, the only noises in the apartment Jaebum and Jinyoung’s breathing and the water boiler. They had been lying on the couch for quite some time now, just enjoying each other’s presence. Jaebum laid on his back, while Jinyoung laid half on top of him, head in the crook of his neck, heart to heart. Jinyoung had come to learn the rhythm it beat in, how it felt against him, how it sped up and slowed down. Jaebum had said it was his, his heart. However cliche of Jaebum, it meant something. Jinyoung knew that. He didn’t say it to be cheesy he said it to express something. He had given Jinyoung his heart, and to Jaebum, that meant all the things he couldn’t say any other way. The things only his heart could tell Jinyoung. The boiler whistled, and Jinyoung got up walking to kitchen counter. Jaebum watched him as he walked, he was wearing sweats, and one of Jaebum’s hoodies, his hair still messy. He looked beautiful.   
Moments later Jinyoung returned with two cups of tea, one with 2 spoons of sugar, the other with one. Jaebum smiled gratefully at him and took a sip.

“I actually… wanted to ask you something.” Jinyoung said, the words leaving his mouth quickly, and breathlessly. Jaebum could tell he was nervous. “We’ve spent what? A month together now and… it’s been great, amazing but, but i’m still… i’m not sure if i’m–”

“Jinyoung no, don’t do this okay. You know what i’ll say, we’ve been through this. I don’t care if we end up never getting married. Marriage is not what i want, you’re what i want.”

“But Jaebum you’ve always… talked so highly about getting married, the night at the tree i… i promised something i don’t know if i can give you. I feel like i’ve been lying to you for a month, making you think we could get married when i’m not sure we will. I just want the best for you, and i don’t know if that’s me.”

“Please don’t speak about yourself like that. Like you’re not enough. You, Jinyoung, you are all i’ll ever need. You are everything to me. Loving you is the best thing i will ever do in my life, so i’ll do it for as long as you let me. And i don’t care if we get married or not, i only care about you. You are the single reason i am still here today, you are the single most important person in my life, you, Jinyoung, you are the most beautiful thing i will ever love.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes, tears escaping them anyways, “i-i’m sorry Jaebum i–”

Jaebum put down his tea, and grabbed Jinyoung’s hands in his. “Jinyoung, you didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t say anything wrong. I promise. You haven’t lied to me. You haven’t mislead me or mistreated me. I fell in love with you, not because you said back then at the tree you would marry me, but because you are you. You are Jinyoung, and you are all i’ve ever wanted. I don’t need marriage if i have you, hell i don’t need money, or a house, if i have you. And i’ll tell you that every damn day if that’s what you need.”

Jinyoung took a deep breath, “i love you Jaebum, i do. I love you more than you think, but i’m not sure… i can love you well enough. Love you how you deserve to be loved. I’m still broken, Jaebum. And i don’t know if i’m… if i’m fixable, you know?” Jinyoung opened his eyes, they were red and teary, and Jaebum felt his heart shatter in his chest.

“I wish i could undo every bad thing that has ever been done to you. I wish i could unsay every bad thing that has been said to you, but i can’t. And that breaks me. But Jinyoung, you are not something that needs fixing, you are a human. You have a heart, and a brain, and a soul. You are only human Jinyoung, and humans have all been broken in some way. And you just… you don’t just fix it, i think? You learn, and unlearn, you grow, and you heal. And that takes time. And i promise you, i will be with you every step of that. I’ll help you as much as you let me, as much as you want me too. Just… let me love you Jinyoung. Let me help you. I know… you have problems, scars, but Jinyoung, i promise i will never leave you unless you want me to. Just please… let me in. Don’t push me away, if you love me, and i know you do, don’t let me go. I just… want to make it right, everything. So tell me what to say, Jinyoung, tell me what to do to make you understand, that you are more than enough. That i love you. That just the thought of us being apart again, breaks me. That i don’t care if you’re broken, i don’t care about how many scars you have, i love all of you, every part, broken or whole. You can’t pick and choose parts of someone to love, because that wouldn’t be love. Loving is about, loving all of someone, no matter how broken or scarred, you love those parts too, because that’s what makes them, them. So i promise you Jinyoung, i have never loved you more than in this moment, with all your scars and broken pieces, because those are what make you, you. And i’ll love you more tomorrow, and even more next month, because everyday is a day i spend getting to know you more, and that means having more reasons to love you.”

Jinyoung grabbed Jaebum’s face and kissed him. Speaking the words he couldn’t say, with actions instead. Jaebum pulled Jinyoung into his lap so they were again chest to chest, he could feel Jinyoung’s heart beating rapidly against his ribs. He could feel the desperation in his kiss, how badly he want to tell Jaebum all the things he couldn’t, Jaebum understood. He understood Jinyoung better than anyone ever had, he understood that some things were just too hard to say. So Jaebum kissed him back, and he kissed Jinyoung’s tears away, and he held him through the entire night. Through the night they spoke only few words, because they only needed a few. And they only needed each other, to be in each other’s arms, because they were sure, that was where they were meant to be. In this life, and in the next.


End file.
